so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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