Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
