Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
