i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I party with great urgency now.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
