i'm lost and i look like a hooker
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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