don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
