I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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