my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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