So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
