Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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