she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
