The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
