I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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