im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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