When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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