This dress was meant to end up on your floor
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
