I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
