If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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