And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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