Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
