Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
