12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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