it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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