I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize