sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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