I smell stomach acid.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
