Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Randomize
