Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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