I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
