I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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