Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
