90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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