Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
