when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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