You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
