everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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