Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
