i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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