hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Sober January is a disaster.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How does one acquire holy water?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
