Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
