I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
