I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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