you have to choose: penises or morals?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
