I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize