my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
