How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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