if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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