dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
