I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
