I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
