it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
