There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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