Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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