He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
