I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize