some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
