you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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