dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
