i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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